The Anti-Theory - Part 1

Hey guys it's been awhile and so I open up with a new segment! This is the Anti-Theory. Where I take long pondered or accepted proverb/quote and warp them to reality :D Aka this is just for lulz even though this is somewhat legit XD. Enjoy, the Anti-Theory on The Forest Gump Quote:

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get"

"Life is like a box of chocolates... you want the damn delicious caramel filled one but no, NO! GOD FORBID you get the deliciousness! No, you're going to pick the one filled with ORANGE ARTIFICIAL TASTING CRAP! And then you want to throw it away but your mom's like "No No, Don't waste it! There are children in Africa dying finish it!" and you're like "But MOM this taste like shit" and she gives you THAT stare, so you eat it. And then it ends up this was the ONE chocolate in the box that had traces of peanut in it, and you happen to be VIOLENTLY ALLERGIC to peanuts. So 5 minutes later you're flapping on the ground like a GOSH DARN DUMB ASS MAGIKARP and your parents are like "OH NO WHAT DO WE DO??!!!" and you have to go to the damn ER! And because of the shitty economy you have NO HEALTH INSURANCE.... Moral of the story - chocolate doesn't kill, people do"