Early Morning Thinkings Part 4

So I am not dead. I exist and I have neglected this for long long because... I tried to have a life.

That's right I tired to act my age and have a life.
I tried to actually be a good student and have good grades.
I tried to socialize with people in my age group.
I tried to act like a girl for once and attempted to flirt with guys.
I tried to have a full on college experience and experiment with stuff.
I tried to be the girl I wanted to be.
I tried to be the best friend I could.
I tried to choose my friend more wisely.
I tried to be more active in my community.
I tried to express myself more.
I tried to be the best I could be.
I tried to be more "open".
I tried to find the things in life I've always wanted.

I tried, I tried, and I tried. I tried so hard that I obtained results...

-And I realized it was too late to act my age, I missed all the pre-requisites and so now I just find my generation boring and incapable of realizing what fun is.
-And I did well in the beginning but then I fell into a deadly pattern, I got over stressed and sick trying to maintain a tough work load and maintain a social life. I should have known you have to sacrifice one for the other. SO in the end I failed myself.
-And in some ways I succeeded, trying to socialize with others but I am still with the same group of people I typically would be with. I did make some normal college friends but the experience isn't lasting very long. I get bored by what they consider fun, a pattern of stupid and annoying things I have no interest in, and on the other hand not many are willing t accept me. Not a new concept, I am a rare breed after all.
- And I'm just not a good girl, sometimes I think I should've just been a man. The type of guys I like, just don't like me, and I already don't have much to choose from. I give up, at this moment I am temporarily Asexual :/
- And I don't like drugs, I refuse to get drunk, and I'm still a prude... That didn't go very far
- And I'm still trying :{
- And honestly I am, but lately I've been getting tired of it. I feel like cycles repeat themselves and I have lost so much faith in humanity...
- And still I have friend who find me disposable, who betray me and insult me after I sacrifice my time and emotion to them. I just feel like I try to hard in this part
- And in a way I am, I've been pretty good about this actually
- And I have but there is a downside as I I still have fears to get over
- And I am not
- And even though I have in some ways, the things going on lately have made me hold on to my values so much more
- And I did, and it was sad because as much as I wanted to be in it, i could never fully be in it...

So there you have it, I exist but I fail at existing... I just wish I could hypnotize myself to be someone else...
Night
JUST GABY